Guilt

The five letter word that has haunted me so much lately.

Mom guilt. 

Wife guilt. 

Teacher guilt. 

I've basically had some sort of form of guilt from the moment we came home with Hadley. I couldn't carry her, barely take care of her or myself for a few weeks from complications I had after her delivery. Thank goodness for my husband! Then I went back to work and the guilt hit me even harder. I feel terrible that I don't get to spend my days with my beautiful daughter (but I'm very thankful she's in wonderful care). I feel sad knowing I spend the day with other children and I can't my own. I feel frustrated because I know I'm not give my 100% at work or at home. 

My family has always been my top priority but work came shortly behind. Before having children, J and I had each other, grad school (for a few years), and work to attend to on a daily basis. I would stay at school until 5:00 or later each evening and go in every Sunday. I could plan ahead and have exciting lessons. I knew what I wanted to do and would be able to act quickly on my feet if I needed to change something. Now I leave work at 3:45 (the latest). I'm always behind. I bring things home but sometimes it doesn't get touched for a week. I try to go in on the weekends but it is so much harder. I'm lucky to know what I'm doing for the day, let alone the entire week. I'm not the teacher I used to be and that is okay. But it still leaves me feeling guilty.

It's also hard for me not having those extra evening times with Josh. Lately it's been more difficult because he's finishing his thesis. And the time we do have together, we'd rather spend it as a family. But we also know how important it is to have couple time. But when?

There's just not enough time. 

I can't be 100% mom + 100% teacher + 100% wife. It doesn't equal out.

It’s okay to feel the guilt, as long as you aren’t living the guilt. Guilt isn’t there for you to dwell on, it isn’t there to dictate your life. -Jennifer Green @ Life in the Green House

A few weeks ago, Jennifer had a post all about the guilt of a working mom. I had actually be talking about my guilt with Josh weeks before her post. It was something that was constantly nagging at me in the back of my mind. Then she shared this great post with us and I felt a little better. We all go through guilt in some shape or form. Mom guilt is a big thing that got to me when I went back to work in January because that's when it really set in and hit me. Now I've transistioned to teacher guilt. I've become so overwhelmed with what I need to do becuase I missed the first half of the year. But, like Jennifer said, there's no need to dwell on the guilt. 

If I'm doing what's best for me and my family then everything else will fall in to place.